The mainstream life;

I live my life on the mainstream. For example, I've just completed a 1,500 word essay at 3:22am and I've overshot the word limit by a few hundred words, and I'm too lazy to cut it down. I live my life almost like every mugger students in Singapore, all mugging hard for a degree because this society requires one, and because our parents say so.

I dont smoke, I dont do drugs, I dont gamble, I dont have casual sex, I dont dO lesbians, I dont dye my hair red and blue and pink, I dont wear boots and leopard print skirt, I dont cut weird bangs or shave my head, I dont wear big black round vintage spectacles, I dont put dark and thick eyeliners around my eyes, I dont party and party and party, I dont have a tattoo on my neck, I dont have piercings on my brows and lips, I dont carry a helmet or ride a motorbike, I dont carry a dslr around my neck and take artistic photos of this and that, I dont camp at the Esplanade underpass with stunt bikes or with a group of hip hop dancers, I dont do graffiti art, I dont study in Laselle or Nafa or Sota, I dont and cant declare loudly like how people who do what I dont can, "F the mainstream!"

Sorry for the use of the F word, I just needed it to put my thoughts across. Sometimes, I just find the life I'm leading a bit too ordinary. When I see young people who do not walk the mainstream life, somehow, I'm filled with awe and respect of them. The live a life doing what they want to do, and not what society expects of them. The bold statements they make with their attitude, appearance, way of thinking and lifestyle makes me hold my breath. They are creative, zest filled people, with a spirit of rebellion in them.

Okay, I may be generalising here, but thats what I always think of young people who dare to defy the mainstream and society norms. I cant judge if what they do is wrong or right, but you must give them the credit for not conforming to what society expects.

I, for one, am not cut out to walk, what I would call, the Other stream road. For example, I am always intrigued and have a special interest for body art and modification. If I could, my body would have been tattooed and pierced in many places already. Haha. But I know if I do so, I wouldnt have a roof over my head this very moment. And I dont have the guts to do it anyway. I will think about my future, about the consequences of having my body modified, until its too old for me to put it into action. Same goes if I want to give myself a haircut or a dye. I feel people who walk the Other stream dont think too much. They like it, they have it done. Regrets? Save it for later. Life's short anyway. Haha.

As much as I would like to F the mainstream, I'm not born in an environment for one. Neither do I have many friends who walk the Other stream. I guess life in the mainstream is always safer and clearer. But if I could choose to be in the Other stream, I want to be gifted with the ability to draw. And with that gift, I will be a quirky artist who will travel the world and draw the faces of different people I see :D

But whether mainstream or not, I've come to the conclusion that we all should just live a happy and fulfilling life in our own definition, and also a life where we do our best to help people around us.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISTINA LOVE!

Love,
Theresa 3rd March "10 4:01am

Procrastination, running circles in my head,;

This week's gonna be a busy week for me to catch up with all my assignments and projects which are not done during my Chinese new year recess week! Got to rush to meet all the deadlines!

I think procrastination is all students' middle name! I procrastinate like nobody's business, and then get all panicky when I realised there's actually not enough time to complete my readings and assignments!

Its an annoying bad habit, and its so hard to get rid of it. The play first and work later mentality is not healthy for me! It makes me grumpy and impatient! Haha. Time to be diligent Theresa!

The other day, instead of studying, I went to download a few movies to watch. One of them was Law abiding citizen, starring Gerard Butler and Jamie Fox. Everybody was telling me how nice the movie was and all, but I was not very thrown away by it.

It just doesnt makes sense to me. That Gerard butler actually killed so many innocent people, and justifies it by saying that he does it so that the justice system can change. I mean, I understand where he's coming from, his vengeance and all, but the people he killed are also somebody else's family, and he's like no difference from the man who murdered and raped his wife and daughter.

The justice system is ever flawed. There's no such thing as true justice in this world, simply because man ourselves are flawed and imperfect. So, there will never be a perfect institution on earth as long as man is running it.

And I think justice is also subjective to different people. Like Gerard Butler, justice to him is not making any deal with the murderers, and even if Jamie Fox lost the case and let the two murderers walked free, its okay, because he didnt make a deal with the murderer. But for Jamie Fox, to him, justice is to try at least to put both prisoners behind the bars, even if it means making a deal with one of them. At least, they dont walk totally free.

Haha. It seems that I'm not very impressed with the movie. And its abit impossible for Gerard butler to burrow a tunnel into a high security prison right? Its even more grand than prison break lar! Haha.

But I also downloaded The blind side, and to me, it was an awesome movie! Nothing action drama, but its a movie that warms your soul and touches your heart. And whats more, its based on a true story.

I think racial discrimination and marginalisation is a rarely seen thing here in Singapore. But in countries such as America and the UK, I guess it is a very common thing. Ghettos, high crime rates mostly committed by the marginalised race, racial bashing etc.

It always breaks my heart to know that people judge each other by their skin colour. I know prejudices are inevitable, because of the environment that we are brought up in. But to discriminate is really a choice. We can all choose not to blatantly express our dislikes and hatred.

But well, I guess people are not very peaceable creatures. Thats why we still have wars and terrorism and conflicts.

But watching the blind side really encourages me, and show me that there are people out there who do not judge and who are willing to help and love those whom others condemned. Thats what we need in this dying, fallen world- more love!

Xingni, samuel and wayne are going off to phuket on Thursday, for a holiday getaway! I am so envious okay! I can see them running on the sandy beach, and snorkeling with the fishes in the clear, blue water. I WANT TO GO. I've never been there before, and I bet its great. I enjoy beach getaways. My last time was at Hilton beach resort with my mom, aunt and uncle at Sanya in Hainan Island. It was awesome okay! We had a sumptuous dinner on the sandy beach, under the stars, with a live band and campfire! I WANT TO GO PHUKET! *WHINES*

Oopsy daisy! Its late, I better turn in already! I must break my vicious cycle of sleeping late and waking up late. Need to fixed back my body clock yo!

STUDY HARD TURTLE! Uni fees dont come cheap!

Love,
Theresa 23rd Feb '10 11:26am

Live with the evil but dont let it rule your life;

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

The knot in my heart was loosened substantially today. Thank you God for putting people in my life whom I can trust, who can understand and empathise.

Imperfection is beauty.

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I used to be fine with PDA (Public Display of Affection). In fact, I think there's nothing wrong with it. Why? Because its good to know that couples are still so in love with each other that they just cant stop expressing their love for the other party, be it by hugging and/or kissing. Of course, there's a limit lar. Too much, I'll be like "Hello, get a room?".

But recently, I realised PDA is really inconvenient for the innocent passers by or bystanders. Okay, if say, a couple is PDA-ing on a park bench, and people walked passed, well fine. I mean, those passers by just come and go fast.

BUT if a couple is PDA-ing on the mrt train or in a queue (or in any situation with many bystanders who are around them for a period of time), then well, they are really doing it at the expense of the bystanders' comfort. Dad sold his car, so we were in a taxi queue, and there was a couple who was one person in front of us, who was so busily PDA-ing! The poor lady queuing in front of us was so awkward and uncomfortable! Whats more, the proximity between the couple and the lady was like only a foot away. And you can like hear the smooching sound.

So, I feel, unless you're a selfish and inconsiderate person, then you shouldnt PDA in the following places:

1) MRT trains

2) Queues (Whatever kind of queues)

3) Bus stops

4) Buses

5) Escalators

6) Traffic lights

7) Restaurants (especially if you're sitting next to a table full of kids)

8) Elevators

9) Taxis (poor taxi uncle!)

10) Living room of your home (If your family is around)

Hahaha. Of course, if the above mentioned places are empty or are people-scarce, then PDA all you want! But please be kind enough not to do so when there are innocent bystanders around! And oh, you may get your PDA sessions on film too, if you're pissing off those people. Either find your passionate glued together faces up in Stomp or else on youtube or your friend's facebook! :D

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Sometimes I dont get some people. They come to you for advice and help and you give them the advice they need, but they dont listen and instead, do what their unbalance state of mind tells them to do. And then after awhile, they come back to you again (upon realising their mistakes), and ask for advise and help to their problems again, BUT THEY DONT LISTEN AGAIN. So its like a vicious cycle lor. Waste everybody's time only!

And as the listener, oh how you sometimes feel like taking them by their collar, and scream right into their face. And not pick up their calls or entertain them anymore. But you know you cant, cause you're their friend.

Come on! Dont ask anymore if you dont want to heed. What is the point man! We're only going in circles!

So, be sincere when you ask for help, and be sure that you will heed the advices as much as you can!

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I feel free tonight.

Love,
Theresa 17th jan '10 12.54am

My Chinese New Year;

Mig asked me how was my Chinese new year this year. I told him it was rather special for me. And different too. I would like to share my new year experience. But I dont know where to start! Okay, let me try.

Side note: Its going to be a long post!

My dad's side of the family is very big, with nine children, four girls, five guys, with my daddy being the youngest and also my ahma's favourite. So ever since dad got married, ahma had been living with him. So as soon as I was born, I was already living with my ahma and ahgong. Gong gong passed away when I was four, and so I dont really have much memories of him.

But my ahma and I are very close, and I love her alot. As some may know, before this cny, my ahma was hospitalised for about a month. She came home on the Thursday before the new year, the same day my dad returned from Doha. But then, her condition is kind of deteriorating. Earlier on already, she had been showing signs of dementia. After the long hospital stay which caused her to be so dependent on the nurse and diapers, her condition got worse.

Since ahma lives with us, all my relatives will come over to eat and bai nian on the first day. Like, really huge crowd cause there are aunties, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews. This cny, ahma didnt give away angbaos, and she was very blur and quiet. My ahma used to talk alot in the past, very talkative, and they always say she got a bad mouth! Haha. This year, there she is sitting on a wheelchair, looking distant and in her own world.

Everybody came to bai nian to her, and some people, she actually cant remember. And she talks so softly, like there's no strength in her anymore. And I look at my cousins, whom many are married already. And there's like a baby boom in my family. Lots of babies and toddlers from all my fertile cousins! Haha. And I look at my aunties and uncles, at how some of them have grown older, or have some illness like heart problem.

And then it struck me, that what I'm looking at is really the cycle of life. The new babies, my cousins and nieces and nephews around my age, the older cousins, and all my aging aunties and uncles and grandma. They all said, ahma is the old baby now. Haha. Well, the old dont get old, the new cant come. I've realised how short life really is now.

Looking at my ahma, I've been thinking how many more cny can I spend with her. My ahma is like the link of all the relatives. Like we get together (like really everybody) twice every year for cny and to celebrate her birthday. If she's no longer around, I really wonder if we will still have such a bond.

This cny, all of us are worried for ahma. We talked about her, asking the big question "How are we going to manage ahma now that she has dementia?" Cause she's behaving like a small kid already. They wanted to put her into a nursing home, cause my dad wont be in Singapore, and its just so difficult to take care of a dementia patient. It kind of spoilt my day, because I just cannot accept the thought of putting her in a nursing home. In fact, mom dad and I quarreled about it later on, but thats another thing.

This cny, my mom showed everybody my birthday video in 1991, with everbody's younger face inside. You know, those kuku haircuts and big, round specs. And everybody laughed at the way they look last time. The family had indeed grown bigger, but more distant at the same time. I remember those days when I really played with my cousins, nieces and nephews so often. The past few years, we grow up, some got married, and you know, they dont often come to visit anymore and so, we got distant.

But I still like most of my relatives alot. I'm very happy when they come over. But I can really feel things are gonna change in the Seah family these few years, so this cny, I really tried to mingled with everybody. Added as many as I can on facebook too! Haha. Practically spent the whole day with most of time, way into midnight. Because I really dont know about next year anymore.

After my place, we all went to my super cool, androgynous cousin's rented terrace over at west coast. She called her house "the vice house" where everybody can do anything. Smoke, drink, gamble and whatever. Lots of my cousins are like that. Super cool, know how to enjoy life kind of people.

They have tattoos, smoke, drink, club, play good mahjong, have very complicated lifestyle, very generous, very hospitable, very filial, very friendly. Its like, even though they may indulge in all such vices, they are awesome people lor. I look at them and I see the kind of life that I might had have led. They knew I got a tattoo, and they were like "Good. When you're young, do everything you can! Go club and all, then when you old already, you wont feel like doing them anymore!" Haha. Hello? That was my motto in life. WAS lar. Haha. No matter how much I may want to live such a life, I know it would break my parents' heart and I know I would displease God.

I think, even at the prospect of turning 20 (omg), I'm still really finding out who am I, who I'm going to be, what I'm going to do. And I'm thankful this time I'm doing it with God's grace and guidance.

It was a bittersweet experience for me on the first day of chinese new year. My dad's back for awhile, and there was certainly reconciliation and bonding of my relationships with my relatives. My cousin asked me to hang out with her daughter and my other relatives more often. Like call, and arrange to go out. And yeah, I think thats what I should do. Open doors! But I sure hope it isnt temporal! But my ahma, she breaks my heart. Our heart. But I got to keep praying for her. And my dad, gonna miss him so so much again when he flies back on Thursday morning!

On my second day of new year however, it was awesome. Visited my mom's side which is much smaller in size. Haha. We all really really caught up with each other. All of us cousins chatted for a couple of hours and yeah, I was really happy! The perks of a small family. And I feel really good about today's reunion.

My mom's side of the family is really different from my dad's. They are more toned down, not the loud, gambling, high type like my dad's. I enjoy both kinds of company though!

But dont you feel that everything seems better and happier and more perfect when we were all younger? Somehow, Chinese new year do seem abit more fun. And everybody seems abit more closer.

I really hope that I can build more lasting relationships with my cousins, nieces and nephews. Since I can have close friends, then why cant I have my blooded relatives as my buddies right!

I hope everybody had an interesting cny too! Because soon, we'll be thrown back into the harsh reality of life, where work and assignments pile up before our very eyes!

Love,
Theresa 16th feb '10 1:50am

He's more than enough for me;

I was having my quiet time just now, worshipping God and praying to Him.

And He asked me, "Am I not more than enough for you?"

It was a question, but also an answer.

There's so many times in my life, when I feel so inadequate, so lousy about myself. And I find myself becoming more of a man pleaser, rather than a God pleaser. But its funny how things work. The more you try to please man, the more you chase after the material stuff of the world, the more empty you will feel. You can never truly be happy or satisfied.

I'm guilty as charged. And I know that I'm only going to sidetrack if I'm still having this attitude. I know, that God loves me so much, and it pains my heart, because I'm still doing unpleasing things in God's eyes, and the thing is, I know that I'm wrong. Its like a conscious mistake. For example, you know stealing is wrong, but you still steal, because it makes you feel better at that moment (the excitment and all), but after that, you beat yourself up for stealing again, because you know its wrong, and you're not doing anything about it! And before you know it, you're stealing AGAIN.

Chasing after the superficial things of life can get painful and tiring. And when God asked me this so very simple question, I know my attitude and mindset got to change. He is more than enough for me. So much more. I was also reading 1 Samuel, and the prophet Samuel told Saul that to obey is better than to sacrifice.

I may be sacrificing my time for church, cell group and all church activities, but God looks at my heart. Did I obey Him? Did I obey His commandments, and what He calls me to do? Did I please God to make Him happy? I guess, when you obey God, then the sacrifices you made for Him will be more precious, more valuable.

As I was praying, I told God how thankful I am because He is also a God that forgives, that sent Jesus to die on the cross for us 2000 years ago, so that our sins will be forgiven and the power of Sin will be broken.

And I was telling God how much I want to forget about my Egypt. I know the extent of God's mercy and grace, but there are certain things in your past that you just cant seem to let go. I want to shake off my past mistakes, to bury them, and forget about them, and I know that God has already forgiven me of them. But I cannot forgive myself for committing them.

The memories haunt me. Each time I want to do things for God, be it serving in a ministry or whatever, those memories seem to pull me back. I close my eyes, I think of them, and I feel so disgusted with myself. "Am I worthy?" I would ask time and time again.

I know how people learn from mistakes. How people say that they have no regrets in their lives, because whatever mistakes they made, they learnt from them and made them who they are today. Frankly speaking, if it werent for the mistakes in the past, I might not have rededicated my life back to God. But given a chance, I would really want to undo them. Yes, I've learnt from my mistakes, but living with them is like relieving your nightmare over and over again.

I have been praying about this, and I told God again just now, that I really need to tell someone about it. I told God to show me this person whom I can share with. If not, I dont know how am I going to let go of it and forgive myself. I dont want to live with skeletons in the cupboard.

But I know and I know, that His loves suffices. That one day soon, this nightmare which haunts me every now and then will be over. Because my God is my Banner, my victory! Amen!

He reminded me of a bible verse:

"(Jesus)These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."
- John 16:33

I will, with God's grace, overcome my past mistakes. I will run this race with Him, and finish it.

Love,
Theresa 10th feb '10 12:36am

Thats why guys, never treat your girls bad;

Catherine zeta-jones is god.

I remembered there was one time last year, I started youtubing all disney songs. Now, I'm youtubing all movie musical songs. Haha. Thanks to Maria's concert!

Chelsea is now two nil up.

Love,
Theresas 8th feb '10 12:55am

She danced and sang like Glee;

Attended my dear friend, Maria's musical concert yesterday, together with Marcus. It was a nyp production, and it was spectacular!

When she danced and sang to Summer Night from Grease, I teared! She looked so happy performing! My dear Maria, you really belong on the stage!

The whole concert yesterday reminded me of Glee!

AWESOMENESS

Wanna upload the photos but got problem doing so, so I shall do that another time!

Summer Nights is my favourite song from Grease, and Grease is epic! Love their old school dress sense, especially the guys! Charming or charming?



Another performance piece that I cheered to was All That Jazz from Chicago. Sexiness! The movie was dark in a sense, but their songs were awesome. And it was also my favourite song so obviously I love that piece. Too bad no songs from Moulin Rouge! That one I hear already confirm will cry!



Abit nc16 at the end, so if you're sensitive towards this kind of stuff, dont bother watching.

I'm not a very arty person who catches broadway musicals and theatre performances and all that. But I do love musicals. Its one form of art (I guess?) that I know how to appreciate, enjoy and not start squirming around on my seat. So, in the rare occasion when I manage to catch one (usually those movie musical like Sweeney Todd and all), their songs will always get stuck in my mind!

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My right groin and right knee is hurting very badly right now. The pain just keeps throbbing on and on and on. I dont know how. I dont remember straining myself so much during training. I must pray for healing! And have faith!

So, wont be blogging a long post tonight. Cause got important match to catch now! Chelsea vs Arsenal. I'm not supporting Chelsea (duh), I want them to LOSE, but I dont want arse to win either BUT I dont want them to draw too. So how man! Haha.

As I'm typing this, Chelsea is one nil up. Haha.

Love,
Theresa 8th feb '10 12:21am