He's more than enough for me;

I was having my quiet time just now, worshipping God and praying to Him.

And He asked me, "Am I not more than enough for you?"

It was a question, but also an answer.

There's so many times in my life, when I feel so inadequate, so lousy about myself. And I find myself becoming more of a man pleaser, rather than a God pleaser. But its funny how things work. The more you try to please man, the more you chase after the material stuff of the world, the more empty you will feel. You can never truly be happy or satisfied.

I'm guilty as charged. And I know that I'm only going to sidetrack if I'm still having this attitude. I know, that God loves me so much, and it pains my heart, because I'm still doing unpleasing things in God's eyes, and the thing is, I know that I'm wrong. Its like a conscious mistake. For example, you know stealing is wrong, but you still steal, because it makes you feel better at that moment (the excitment and all), but after that, you beat yourself up for stealing again, because you know its wrong, and you're not doing anything about it! And before you know it, you're stealing AGAIN.

Chasing after the superficial things of life can get painful and tiring. And when God asked me this so very simple question, I know my attitude and mindset got to change. He is more than enough for me. So much more. I was also reading 1 Samuel, and the prophet Samuel told Saul that to obey is better than to sacrifice.

I may be sacrificing my time for church, cell group and all church activities, but God looks at my heart. Did I obey Him? Did I obey His commandments, and what He calls me to do? Did I please God to make Him happy? I guess, when you obey God, then the sacrifices you made for Him will be more precious, more valuable.

As I was praying, I told God how thankful I am because He is also a God that forgives, that sent Jesus to die on the cross for us 2000 years ago, so that our sins will be forgiven and the power of Sin will be broken.

And I was telling God how much I want to forget about my Egypt. I know the extent of God's mercy and grace, but there are certain things in your past that you just cant seem to let go. I want to shake off my past mistakes, to bury them, and forget about them, and I know that God has already forgiven me of them. But I cannot forgive myself for committing them.

The memories haunt me. Each time I want to do things for God, be it serving in a ministry or whatever, those memories seem to pull me back. I close my eyes, I think of them, and I feel so disgusted with myself. "Am I worthy?" I would ask time and time again.

I know how people learn from mistakes. How people say that they have no regrets in their lives, because whatever mistakes they made, they learnt from them and made them who they are today. Frankly speaking, if it werent for the mistakes in the past, I might not have rededicated my life back to God. But given a chance, I would really want to undo them. Yes, I've learnt from my mistakes, but living with them is like relieving your nightmare over and over again.

I have been praying about this, and I told God again just now, that I really need to tell someone about it. I told God to show me this person whom I can share with. If not, I dont know how am I going to let go of it and forgive myself. I dont want to live with skeletons in the cupboard.

But I know and I know, that His loves suffices. That one day soon, this nightmare which haunts me every now and then will be over. Because my God is my Banner, my victory! Amen!

He reminded me of a bible verse:

"(Jesus)These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."
- John 16:33

I will, with God's grace, overcome my past mistakes. I will run this race with Him, and finish it.

Love,
Theresa 10th feb '10 12:36am