i mark today as one of my saddest day i've been through. the word "saddest" might still undermine this whole toil of emotions i'm going through now.

first match of the season against mjc this afternoon, and its the worst game i've ever played, and the only game i broke down. i couldnt keep up with the pace of the game, and my reaction and movements were very slow. everybody present knew that i was playing like shit. i've never ever done that before, and i do not know what went wrong. especially at such crucial period.

i know coach is very disppointed with us, and me indiviually as well. i'm not the team's animal, the team's turtle today, and i cant forgive myself for what had happened in the 80 mins just now. my mind and heart is willing, is pushing for every ball, every run, every attack, but my body is dead. i can feel it each time i run for the ball today, how hard is it for me to catch my breaths. even when i played striker, it was tiring, and i dont get tired like this before.

after the match, when we were on the bus, coach asked me what happened. flu and cough, i told him. yes, i'm not feeling well for the past days, and my menses fucking come yesterday. but i know all these would be seen as excuses, and coach dont like excuses. i mean, there are others who still can play a decent game when they're sick, so why cant i? coach talked to me abit, then rubbed my head and ask me to take care. because of his tone and his eyes and everything else, i couldnt control my tears. i really let coach down today. first game, and its always important to get a good head start. yet, all was a nought.

today, Disappointment visited each and everyone of us, and only my team mates know how exactly it feels. been disappointed many times, but never to such extent. my heart was umconfortable during the game, but even in the bus journey home, my heart felt the same way. this time though, it was weighed down by mr. diasspointment. i can literally feel it. each time i play back the game in my mind, and think of my conversation with coach, i feel so many things at once, it really overwhelmed me. so this is what its like to feel as a failure.

a draw. yet it felt like a lost.

i want to share what had happened with my parents, but they dont understand! my mom still scold me for playing even though i'm sick and threatened to talk to coach. i really want to tell them how sad their daughter is, but they would not understand. miss lim's words were kind and comforting, and so were my team mates. elaine said she was proud of us, and at that moment, i can feel her sincerity so strongly. i love you baby.

many things were left unsaid, and i know some were disappointed for other reasons. i just want my team to know that, i would not let history repeat itself. fight on, we will and i promise to get well by our next game. to those who suffered the same thing as me today, let it not affect on friday already. tonight and tml, we'll still be thinking and feeling sore about it, but friday comes, and we will move on. we will not play like how we played today anymore.

yiting, you were good. calm and everything else. i follow what coach said, 'take my head (?) of you. haha.

thanks weizi for coming down to support, even though i'm sorry you had to witness all these. come down for the other games, and i promise you, jj soccerettes will show you what we're actually made of.

tonight, i pray for a peaceful sleep.